Apathy, Weakness, and Doubt
by Claytonimor
Summary: That title is just lovely isn't it? Well, here it is, a self-insert for Mass Effect. Of course, considering I have NO survival skills, mediocre self-control, uncontrollable self-castigation, and outdated information, it's bound to at least be interesting before I die. I swear if this is God's idea of a joke, then, God, you are a completely and totally sadistic bastard. M for langua
1. Prologue: A Dark and Stormy Night

Well, here we are...I have finally reached my limit after a year or two of reading and a twelfth of such time writing. So screw the fact that I, as a person, have nothing that could be of any use to Shepard, I'ma do one of these damn self-inserts. I'm going to hate myself for it, but, what the hell, I have nothing to lose.

You know, I think starting a new story is going to become a coping mechanism of mine…it's…soothing.

Several cans were harmed in the making of this fanfiction.

**Disclaimer: How do we really own anything? It's all information right? So….no biggy if I leave this out right? Wait, you'll sue me? But I own nothing! I'm even borrowing this computer! Damn…I don't own Mass Effect or its associated content. Nothing in this whole thing is mine! Hell! The version of me in here isn't really the whole truth! (Once more, NO redeeming qualities)**

* * *

Well, there I was, standing in front of a closet, staring at the BB gun I had gotten for Christmas when I was..what, like 15 (we had just watched_ A Christmas Story_, thus making it the greatest gift ever), and debating whether or not to again discover the joys of shooting unopened cans (a waste of money, sure, but do opened cans explode when you shoot them? I thought not). With a grim and serious look on my face, I grabbed the gun and made my way to our house's back porch. As I walked past my cousin, who was out of trade school for a month, he looked up from biotic charging a cannibal and caught my eye with his usual "I'm going to ask a question and you need to provide a sarcastic response" look and asked, "So, what's with the gun?"

I shoot him back a look (metaphorically speaking, I didn't actually shoot him) and answer, with a completely straight face, "The cans are revolting, I'm going to make an example of their leader," and walk away, leaving him to finish his multiplayer game. Before I reach the door, however, he calls out my name and tosses me _Mass Effect _(the first one) and explains when I raise my eyebrow at him, "Tell the brat to fix it. Last time he played it it got covered in scratches." I sigh and signal a fine with a dismissive wave of my hand before taking a step into the outside room and being vastly disappointed in the weather. It was raining...and storming, but my main issue was the rain. It's not that I don't like it...I just don't like getting wet.

Ah, right, if you are curious about who "the brat" is, then that would be my little brother...he might be the Antichrist, but I digress. I sigh turn from looking out the glass door to the rest of the room. _Let's see... Foosball? No, no will play with me anymore. TV? No, we don't have any new Colbert's. Laze about?...Well I guess its another usual Monday. _Sighing, I meander over the only piece of furniture in the outside room (which is a screened-in room on our house's back porch...we aren't rich so I don't know what kind of miracle got us this place), a leather couch, and faceplant onto it, dropping the BB gun on the floor next to me.

With my little brother over at my Grandparents' house, I would be forced to travel a whole 60 some-odd feet next door before I could berate him about the damaged game, so I gave up. Hell, if I did go over then I would be the one in trouble!

Let's see...what to do, what to do...wait.

I cackle with glee as I roll of the couch and land on my chest with an "oomph" and the shaking of the Earth itself before reaching over and pulling out a little, inconspicuous, blue, wirebound notebook. My mom had gotten me two of them for the upcoming school year and I had picked this one to be the source of much entertainment during AP Calculus, AP English 12, and my Digital Electronics class (I would have been using in the gym class or "Individual Sports" as well but...we don't exactly have time to sit and write).

Now, I'm sure you are imagining doodling, right? Well, it's a bit more than that. I seemed to have developed the pastime of...well _building_ worlds. I have to say I'm fairly partial to medieval, steampunk, and sci-fi. Of course, my worlds tended to be a tad...bleak let's say. Like bleak as in, "the balance of powers is so tenuous that, with the slightest shift, the whole planet would be plunged into darkness" not bleak as in "hopeless"...because Tzeentch would be pissed if I made that kind of world...whoops my Warhammer 40k slipped out...where was I? Oh yes!

I had the urge to build a little bitty solar system...but what lore would I use? I mean, I had already pretty much tapped out of original ideas building a Warhammer fantasy as bleak as 40k was...I glanced at my other hand, where the forgotten case of _Mass Effect_ still sits. Oh, hello opportunity, I would like for you to meet inspiration.

And so, over the next few hours...okay I was out there for like 18 hours...I wrote and wrote and _wrote_. It was dark out when I finally felt myself getting tired, and the metronome of rain on the roof was not helping. I glanced down at my bleak, dark, and all-around more realistic (I thought) new universe. Then I looked over at its remarkably well fleshed-out cousin with a beautiful heart-warming story about killing some guy and decided to put off the Verge war between the Turians and Batarians (What can I say, they are the galaxy's Russia, they make great enemies) until tomorrow.

As I nod off, I suppose that the fact that every single lightning bolt I could see from inside the room just stopped and began to race towards me should probably make me shit my pants, but, meh, that's would be so much _work_. I'll just let what comes to pass, come to pass. With that heartwarming little tidbit, I nod off slowly, not opening my eyes for the crackling of pure energy that washes over, not opening my eyes for the sudden mass of screams and the wailing of sirens I hear, in fact, as my last faculties fail and I drift into slumber's sweet embrace, I hear someone sigh and begin chittering.

Then, I hear nothing.

* * *

...So...any good? I'm gonna try to do what I would really do if I got into Mass Effect, not that bullshit, "help Shepard save the galaxy"...not that I don't like those fics...I just want to portray _myself_ in this situation, not Shepard, not Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, nor anyone else. So be prepared for a heaping helping of freaking the fuck out, excessive sarcasm, hating on my own ineptitude, and, finally, a sprinkle of reality.

"That's what"

-She


	2. Chapter 1: Surreal and Silly

Well…how do I put this…I have yet too and likely never will update quickly. I don't know if it's just super procrastination on my part or if I just seriously take that long to come up with this stuff...oh well.

And to Fiery Hawk79: *Facepalm* Sorry about that, I feel an intense and overwhelming need to explain all my actions, linking back to the list of bad things about me in the description...

**Disclaimer: I'm starting to think that Mass Effect owns me….**

* * *

Now then, let me get this out there here and now: I am not a morning person. In fact, I am so not a morning person that, over the course of the summer previous, I had managed to completely flip my internal clock. I went to bed at 10 am and woke up around 6 pm. Just switch the letters around and you have my school sleep schedule. So, when I woke up in a bright room, on a cold and hard surface, I was half-conscious and didn't really care that I was, in fact, strapped into a chair with a light in my face and an alien sitting across from me in a white room. No, all I cared for was the fact that I had gotten around six hours of sleep. I could tell. If I woke up disappointed, then, it was three hours or less. If I was wide awake then it was four or five hours. If I was groggy and uncomfortable, then it was six hours and up. I'll give you three guesses as to how I felt at that moment and the first two don't count.

The *cough* Turian *cough* sitting across from me, now, seeing my lucidity, turned around and called out in a voice that I could, for some reason or another, totally understand, "Mr. ***** has woken up, see if the doctor is free at the moment." Me, in my half-conscious state, regarded the fictional creature before me with a level of informality most unacceptable given the actually situation. The long and short? I groaned and asked him to turn the light down because, and I quote myself, "Was going through withdrawal symptoms from my beloved darkness."

...I may have been a tad lacking in sanity at that moment as well.

Because I was still squinting through the light, and lucidity was due to arrive several minutes later, I hadn't really noticed the fact that a fictional character...creature...species...thingy was sitting across from me, listing off various things about me. Apparently, I had been found in an alleyway of all things (Cliche much? Whatever deity did that[A/N:me].) and the ever so helpful men at C-Sec _Wait a minute_ (Ah, there was my lucidity) decided that the lad who had no identifying papers, no translator chip, no omni-tool _Omni-to...hellfire and damnation_, and whose DNA pointed towards a human who had gone mysteriously missing a couple of centuries _No...nonononononono, heh, joking right? Right?_ ago should probably go to the nearest hospital and get the one object absolutely required for any sort of inter-species communication, that being the translator chip (A/N:What a cop-out), and check his background there just in case all of their equipment had mysteriously went to hell.

While the Turian was doing this I was simultaneously going through the five stages of grief...at the normal pace mind you, no way would I get to acceptance any time soon and critiquing myself for doing it. It was an...interesting experience.

The Turian continued listing off things they had found on me, which would have been incredibly awkward if I was in the right mind...which I wasn't, "...in addition to being treated for several small issues like your weak left ankle and several partially-healed micro fractures in your skull, you managed to wrack up an impressive list of major and minor operations over your week-long mini-coma..."

_Heh, heh, mini-coma, nice one, me. From here I make the jump to still being in a coma and this all being a dream right? Heh, hehe, HeheHEHEHEHEHEHE...dammit all to hell and back. I remember reading somewhere that your dreams are an amalgamation of memories and imagination...good to know my mind is so organized, huh? This is going to suck if it's real. I mean, I'm going to have to just...live in here, though if I wake up, hopefully it will be to the puppy gnawing my face off. Yeah, that would be nice...DAMMIT! I need to think this through rationally! Even if this is all false,I still have no control over my crazy-ass subconscious, got it! Yes Me... Good! Now get back into the either true or crazy-ass conversation you are having with a fictional species! YES SIR!_

"...which combined means that, in order to pay off this debt you are now in, you'll probably have to push papers for C-Sec for the rest or you natural existence. In fact, the officers should be along to press you into service pretty soon."

Well...that was shitty way to re-enter the conversation. I glance up at the avian creature and meet its..._his,_ eyes for the first time.

...Huh, well, I wasn't expecting the prettiest shade of blue like..._ever_ to be looking right back at me...now this is awkward. Ummmm...I guess I can call no-homo on that, right? Well unless some of my audience leans that way and I offend them...ummm let's put it this way: Have you guys ever seen Ultramarine eyes? No? Me neither until now...I like the way my mind thinks!

The Turian must have caught my look because he perked up...or...I think he did. I mean, he shifted in his seat and sat up straighter...screw it, I can't read body language. He then gave me what must pass for a smile when you have a beak and mandibles. He then gave me a little wave and said, "Glad that got your attention, I thought I was going to be talking to a vegetable for the next few hours before the officers who found you deign to show up."

"...," I hadn't yet responded to him and it had been like...a minute after he had stopped talking. While I am absolutely no good at all in awkward silences...well let's just say that the X-box 360 does an avian race absolutely no...okay it does a good 43.219% credit to the Turian species.

I mean, basic shape, crests, facepaint, and all the other good stuff was there...it was just...more...gah, how do I say this. The fact that Turians have eff-ing _fangs_ was something I never really noticed in the game. The fact that there was a itty-bitty device in his left hand (obviously an omni-tool) was never addressed in the game but its...well blatantly obvious here. One odd thing I almost never noticed but can see here is the reptilian traits and how they mix with the avian ones...very well if you want to know. I guess archaeologists are right about the whole "birds from dinosaurs" thing. Wait...I'm mentally ranting, back to the Turian!

_...Okay, that face is either bemused or annoyed...damn. Time to diffuse the situation with my classic wit!...wait, can I diffuse a situation within my own head? Based on past experience...no...ah, to hell with it, I'm bored anyway._

I chuckle once and scratch the back of my head before saying, "Sorry, about that, I was busy being confused for the past 20 minutes or so. What was that you were talking about? My procedures?"

The Turian flashed a pointed smile and said, "Well, while most of what I said was a complete lie to try and snap you out of your stupor, we did have some trouble trying to find you in our system, everything we put in points towards some missing human kid from way back. In fact..."

The Turian is interrupted by the door opening behind him. He turns around a says with a voice quite obviously filled with cheer, "By the Spirits, you sure do take your time, huh? Well, at least you're hear before the doctor" He then turns back to be and a very familiar figure walks up next to him.

"Well, I'm not going to just drop off a random stranger on you guys without coming back to check up on him every once in a while, after all, it was a lot of work convincing the higher-ups that he probably wasn't a terrorist," A very recognizable C-Sec detective turned from his friend and eyed me up and down. His mandibles flared once and he said, "How do you humans say it? Welcome back to the living's land, how was your week trip?"

Garrus, huh? Well shit.

* * *

Heh, well, for those of you following all of my stories, you should realize by now exactly how I do the updates...other than slowly, of course. I post one or two chapter on my stories before moving on the the next one, so it'll probably be several weeks on "If Gods were Lazy" and "Emperor Deliver Us" before I come back to this. Not to mention my Star Wars/ Mass Effect crossover I was planning on making and the story of my Deathwatch custom Space Marine Chapter, the Obsidian Guard, that has been popping into my head for some time now. Hopefully I'll have two more stories and 5-7 total chapters out on my original three before Christmas hits.

Good luck and Godspeed.


	3. For Fuck's Sake, Claytonimor!

Sorry everyone, this isn't a chapter, this is me covering my ass from all the fire I am about to receive.

That's right people, this is an excuse as to why I haven't been writing. Normally I would give you some damn sob story and shit and make you all forgive me, but fuck that. The truth of the matter is that I broke my laptop. Basically, I dropped it and the screen broke. I said, "Shit" and waited until yesterday to order a new laptop...which I received today. While I have pretty much lost all data on the previous laptop, I won't be dropping any of my stories. What I am going to be doing is following what I had set up for the rest of my stories. That means finishing rewriting If God's Were Lazy and then moving on a rotation pattern to Emperor Deliver us, then Apathy, Weakness and Doubt, then The Obsidian Blade, and then back to A New Age, A Dark Age.

That is all.


End file.
